Articles of Local Interest

Don't out-law your in-laws - get them involved in your wedding
By Emilie Haulenbeek

From the day you get engaged, your in-laws are part of your life. And while you get to choose your spouse, you can't choose your in-laws. But treating your future mother- and father-in-law as honored participants in your wedding can set you off on the right foot. You can get them involved in the planning - without sacrificing your taste or your independence.

Though many in-laws are wisely hesitant to be too involved in your wedding plans, it's important to keep them informed. "Leaving them in the dark does nothing but cause problems," said Margaret Gavlick, owner of Wedding Expressions. Your in-laws may not need to know which florist you hired or what caterer you've chosen, but making them privy to important dates and choices is not only courteous, but essential.

"I encourage brides to include their in-laws as much as they possibly can," said Debra Esparza, owner of A Wedding to Remember. "Communication is a big role, just so that it makes them feel included in the whole process."

Drawing the line between including in-laws and having interfering in-laws is easy. Asking for simple, clear pieces of advice (like picking an hors d'ouevres for the reception), rather than open-ended advice (what do you think of our plans?) can help you gather their input without being overwhelmed.

"I've had some brides ask their mother-in-law about swatches or fabrics," Esparza said. "I haven't had any mothers-in-law wanting to take control."

Despite your worst fears, your future mother-in-law knows how important your wedding day is and probably doesn't want to interfere with that. But she will want to be a part of her son's special day. Asking for advice, whether you choose to take it or not, will let them know you respect her feelings.

You can also involve your in-laws by using some of their talents to your advantage. If your mother-in-law loves to make arts and crafts, you might ask her to make your headpiece or a garter. If your father-in-law is a member of a country club, you might be able to get a discount for your reception. Your future in-laws have resources and skills, and they'll almost certainly be glad to help.

"I had one wedding where the mother-in-law did the floral: the corsages and the bride's bouquet," said Esparza. "I had another mother-in-law who hand-stitched a beautiful garter for the bride."

Even if your in-laws would rather not participate in the planning, you can always learn from their wisdom. While you're making your plans, you're probably getting more advice than you can handle. Everyone from your siblings to the deejay has an opinion, and it can be hard to sift the wheat from the chaff. But remember that your in-laws, like your parents, have been through a wedding before. Surely they made mistakes, and you can benefit from their experience.

"I've had some couples actually interview me with their parents," Esparza said. She's found that many younger couples take advantage of the wisdom both sets of parents possess. Your in-laws will be able to give you valuable advice about contracts, deposits and how to spot a scam.

They can also give you the low-down on your soon-to-be spouse. After all, nobody knows a child like his parents. Even if you've known your spouse for years, there are always little tid-bits you can learn from his parents. Finding out these invaluable pieces of information - that his favorite book as a child was "Green Eggs and Ham," or that he loves to find jelly beans in his Christmas stocking - can strengthen your relationship with him and your new family.

Adjusting to your new family can be difficult, especially when most brides don't meet all of the new in-laws until the wedding is announced. So starting out on the right foot is essential. One way to show them you love and respect your new husband is by observing his family traditions.

Maybe your mother-in-law wore a penny in her wedding slippers for good luck. Or maybe she has a garter made from bits of her own mother and grandmother's wedding dresses. Whatever wedding traditions your husband's family has, consider making them part of your nuptials.

"If it's an intercultural marriage, the family of the groom should be consulted if there are any cultural traditions that need to be recognized," Gavlick said.

Esparza has found that exchanging traditions during a wedding is becoming very common. "Brides and grooms are so easy about wanting to bring both cultures together," she said. "I had a bride who was Catholic and her finance was Jewish. We were able to do their ceremony in a non-denominational Christian church. They had a minister and the rabbi. He just took his language and translated, and it fell right into place."

Whatever traditions you choose to observe, you and your fiancé can also start some of your own. From encouraging your mother-in-law to read her favorite verse at the ceremony or having your father-in-law make a special toast, you can make your new family an integral part of your wedding.

One bride and groom decided to honor their parents during the ceremony. "The bride took a lot of interest with her mother-in-law as well as the father-in-law," said Esparza. "At the ceremony, when they finished, she turned around and walked over to the in-laws and presented them with a rose. The groom did the same for his in-laws before he walked down the aisle."

From asking your father-in-law what flower he would like in his lapel to simply going shopping with your future mother-in-law, including your new family in the wedding gives you the chance to know them better. It can also pave the road to a long, happy marriage for you and your spouse.